So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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