the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
