i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
