Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
