I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
