I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
