there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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