This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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