im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
