booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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