I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize