mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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