i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
