My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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