When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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