Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
