those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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