I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
