In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
