my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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