I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
