I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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