My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
