My first STD was from a foam party
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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