just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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