My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
