What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
