I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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