i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
