I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
