Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize