thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize