yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
