I'm so fucking centered right now
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
