She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
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