i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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