Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
