Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize