dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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