peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
