I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
two words...techno handjob
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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