She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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