i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize