You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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