3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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