So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
