i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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