just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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