Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
