Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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