Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
