I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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