I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
