I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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