is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize