I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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