u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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