Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
