i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
bring money and cleavage
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
