If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
