Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
